Apollo declining my suicide pact.
He calls me crazy and asks— “Are you off your meds, Daphne?”
I wasn’t. I don’t think so.
“But…” I mumble then trail off.
“I know…” He cups my shoulders, “Daphne, whatever it is you think you’ve learnt about me, don’t… just don’t.”
“It’s all an act then?”
“No, it’s not an act.”
“What is it then?
He jerks away, “This is crazy—killing yourself should serve a bigger purpose than just not living.”
“Thank you. It’s always nice to be reminded that your death, like your life is meaningless.”
Don’t do that. He says. “Don’t be that girl who expects everyone to take sides with her suffering.”
I laugh. “Wow. Just when I think I’ve seen it all.”
Peeved: “Wha’thefuck is supposed t’mean?”
“You never tell me about yourself, it’s always about me, me, me. At some point all the attention gets to choke. I’ve never asked you about your past coz it’s your past. It shouldn’t matter but you go around like this now, this present is all you have; living like you’re already dead.”
“There’s a big difference between that and actually killing yourself.”
“That’s not what a suicide pact is. It’s like a chastity ring. Something that tells me am not drowning alone— it’s selfish, but what in this world isn’t?”
His shoulders drop, he heaves a heavy sigh. He wants to understand me from my point of view, it’s the least he can do.
I tell him I’ve reached a point, where I feel tired of wandering in my own skin. I constantly find myself starting to ask questions that lead to only one answer— that ending it all was the only problem in the world worth thinking about. Suicide is the factor that holds the equation of a life as miserable as mine in place.
I don’t think anyone with suicidal thoughts really thinks they can kill themselves. I think they know, and have convinced themselves, that if the time came and they were going too far off the edge, they wouldn’t care enough to stop.
Sometimes I try and convince myself that if I let go of such thoughts I’d be okay, but I know better than to suffer such delusions, those thoughts however sadistic and selfish, are something to rely on, probably the only thing.
Apollo nods like he gets it, but he doesn’t. Am not sure I do either.