Being Alive is No longer Enough.

I woke up today and being alive just wasn’t enough anymore. If what this is can actually be called being alive.

I woke up with a certain yearning within me, something that’s supposed to be familiar by now, but every time I encounter it, its like Jamais vu, it’s like am experiencing it for the first time. Thing is, this yearning, I don’t know what it’s for or if even calling it a yearning lends any credibility to its emptiness.

I woke up and just wished I hadn’t. Note; am not your average morning person, I barely go to sleep and when I do I need three alarms to achieve the required state of consciousness that qualifies as being awake. It’s tedious. All mornings are, and don’t even get me started on the nights.

Anyway, where was I, Oh yes… I woke up and living wasn’t enough.  It’s not that am insatiable, at least not for life and toiling and surviving. Am just tired of waking up and instead of yawning, I sigh for hours, swallow painkillers, take a shower then take another hour getting ready to exist. It’s not that I’ve hit some sort of threshold, like am tired of this eternal exhaustion, it’s just that I want (okay yearn) to get more out of my exhaustion than my exhaustion is getting out of me.

I don’t want it done with altogether. Coz I know that trying to escape the trap only reinforces the trap.

I can take the exhaustion anyway if its exhaustion that leads to closure, self-awareness, an introspective lethargy. A stasis of the soul 

I can’t take the exhaustion if its exhaustion only for exhaustion’s sake. Which I fear is the kind of exhaustion I woke up with. Or at a stretch,  a hybrid of the two… The kind of exhaustion where youre too restless you want (something) more, not just different, but you’re too restful to want anything, different or otherwise (not even the present exhaustion itself)

That’s how you wake up yearning to be complete. Yearning to be God, not just His debris — this clay my essence is trapped in. That’s how you wake up and realise that life was never enough.

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2 thoughts on “Being Alive is No longer Enough.

  1. Writing to hold onto myself, I know the feeling. Towards the end of May this year I suffered a heart attack, from which I almost died, The biggest thing that pissed me off was that I hadn´t finished the work I wanted to do. And then I wanted to die. Not die to be reincarnated, because I would be far more likely to end up in a hell hole much worse than the one I left, than end up somewhere better. Statistics told me that. And I still don´t know why I ended up on this particular planet knowing just a bit too much, yet not being cynical enough to exploit it.

    Thanks for all the insights you post on your site, Derek, I really appreciate them.

  2. Sorry to hear about your heart attack, Bryan. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.
    It sucks being alive. But being anything else just wouldn’t cut it. So however futile the energy I expend seems, I take comfort in the fact that am still here. That’s all that counts even if I don’t know why.
    Also this feeling, I have to believe that things have to get worse before thy can get better.

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